


Shut Up and Go to Sleep

by AxolotlQueen



Category: Pacific Rim (2013)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nightmares, PTSD implied, Sharing a Bed, Spoilers, Swearing, but not the book, but nothing explicit sexually, but there is some kissing ooh so exciting, compliant to the movie, post movie end, sorta canon compliant
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-08
Updated: 2013-08-16
Packaged: 2017-12-22 20:46:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 8,173
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/917846
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AxolotlQueen/pseuds/AxolotlQueen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Even after preventing the end of the world, some aftereffects remain for Newt and Hermann. When the nightmares become too much for Newt, he turns to Hermann for help - and Hermann doesn't quite react the way he expects.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Can't Run Fast Enough

_Newt is running like mad through the halls of the Shatterdome - which is also sometimes Hong Kong - yet it doesn’t feel as if he is getting anywhere fast. He’s just moving so goddamn slow. He can hear the kaiju thundering behind him, getting ever closer. He knows it’s after him. He knows that it knows that he drifted, and it’s going to kill him. Why can’t he run any faster?_

_He suddenly notices that all the halls and streets are empty of anyone and are totally silent other than the sounds of the creature behind him. He is wondering where everyone has gone when he rounds a corner and sees Hermann leaning in the door way to a bar that was across from his dorm when he was in grad school. “This is all your fault, you know,” Hermann remarks calmly as Newt skids to a stop._

_“Hermann, what the hell- we have to run! There’s a kaiju coming!” Newt gasps. Looking over his shoulder he can see the massive shadow moving through the cityscape._

_Hermann waves his cane at him. “And how the hell am I supposed to run anywhere?” he demands._

_Newt stares at him disbelievingly. Hermann looks back, the only expression on his face annoyance. “Ohmygod!” Newt shouts in frustration, then grabs Herm’s free hand and attempts to drag him along. He can hear the kaiju coming closer and closer, and the fear is becoming overwhelming. He knows that if he doesn’t escape, with Hermann, they’ll both die. Everyone will die._

_But with Hermann dragging at his hand, he goes even slower._

_“I told you! If you hadn’t insisted on drifting with those creatures, none of this would have happened!” Hermann shouts._

_“Shut up! He’ll hear us!”_

_“It’s far too late for that. He knows where we are.”_

_“What? What do you-“ Newt twists his neck to look at Hermann, but somehow the other man is at the far end of the street. Newt becomes suddenly aware his hand is empty. “Hermann, please you have to hurry!”_

_But Hermann doesn’t move, he simply stands there, looking at Newt, a sad expression on his face. The kaiju looms up behind him, crushing underfoot Hermann’s blackboard’s and Newt’s equipment, and Hermann doesn’t move. Newt is screaming desperately, shouting his name, running toward him, but he isn’t moving at all, and he watches through a haze of fear as the monster reaches down and grabs Herm in one huge hand, ripping him apart easily as Hermann screams and then it’s coming for him- ___

__Newt rips out of the dream as a shout tears from his throat. There’s a terrible disoriented moment where he is alone in the dark with a scream echoing in his ears and he doesn’t know where he is or who was screaming. Then he remembers it was _him _screaming. Slowly, the pieces of reality settle back in. He is sitting up in his bed in his shitty little room in the Shatterdome and the kaiju are gone and Herm definitely did not get eaten._ _ __

__But it still takes a while for his heart and breath to settle back to normal._ _

__He runs a hand through his hair and notices that his hands are shaking and that he is covered in cold fear sweat. He mutters “shit” and notices that his throat hurts too. At least he didn’t grip his hands so tight that his nails cut into his palm this time._ _

__“I gotta stop doing this.”_ _

__It’s pitch dark in his room, but that kinda happens when you live in a metal room with no windows. It doesn’t tell him much about the time. He scrabbles with still trembling hands for his phone, finally finding it in the dark, and it’s another moment of frustration to try and turn it on and enter the code with his stupid shaking fingers. When he finally succeeds, he stares unbelievingly at the time for a long moment before swearing loudly._ _

__“It’s only twelve o’ fucking clock, are you fucking kidding me! I’ve only been asleep for like five fucking minutes! Goddammit! ... I really gotta stop doing this.”_ _


	2. More of the Same

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hermann is full of shit. And Newt isn't quite sure how he knows that.

Herm doesn’t even say good-morning the next day, just looks at him, then says flatly, “So you've been having nightmares too, then.”

Newt sighs dramatically, flops down into his chair, then suddenly sits up straight. “ _Too _?”__

__The other man rolls his eyes at him and turns back to whatever the hell he is doing. Something with math. And the breach. Honestly Newt expected to be out of here by now, but the governments of the world suddenly started taking an interest in the Shatterdome again when they heard the breach was closed. They didn’t seem to entirely believe it yet. They were insisting that scientists and researchers and engineers and blah blah make damn sure it was closed. And somehow, even though without any kaiju Newt was basically obsolete in any practical sense, and the breach was really more Hermann’s area, that had ended up meaning both of them. Newt stopped paying close attention at least a week ago, when the exhaustion of being unable to sleep had really hit._ _

__He had assumed it was only him having sleeping troubles._ _

__“Yes, too, Newton. It makes sense, I suppose. Drifting with an entirely different species is bound to have some sort of repercussion on one’s mind. Really, nightmares are probably getting off lightly.”_ _

__He says this whole spiel in a totally calm voice, as if having nightmares as a result of shoving your mind into an _inter-dimensional fucking creature _is no bigger a deal than getting sunburn from staying too long at the beach. He’s facing away from Newt, so he can’t see his face, but from the sound of his voice, at least, he doesn’t find being unable to sleep through the night for the past two or three weeks to be a big deal. Newt stares at his back, the tiredness sparking into a moment of anger, and then with a weird sort of clarity he knows that Hermann is full of shit and is only faking being this calm, and the anger and clarity dissipate into a cloud of exhaustion. He doesn’t think too closely about the sudden knowledge and how that has been happening kinda regularly since they drifted together.___ _

____“You look like shit, by the way,” Hermann adds, turning back to him._ _ _ _

____Newt scowls thoughtfully at him. “How come you don’t?” he asks. “If the dreams you’ve been having are half as - annoying - as mine, then you haven’t been able to sleep right for a few weeks now. I guess you look kinda tired, but not as bad as me…”_ _ _ _

____Hermann shrugs, saying in a neutral voice. “I never sleep that regularly anyway. This is just more of the same, I suppose, so it's easier for me to handle.”_ _ _ _

____Newt snorts at this casual dismissal. “Yeah, fuck you too,” he mumbles, and it all devolves into a stupid, pointless, comfortable fight from there._ _ _ _


	3. In Your Bed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Newt decides to seek Hermann's assistance. Unexpected things happen. Like subtle Doctor Who references.

He falls asleep without meaning to at ten in the fucking evening, and wakes himself up screaming at eleven fucking thirty. And he doesn’t even know why, but instead of trying to go back to sleep, or doing something to distract himself, or just giving up for the evening, he stands up and goes out into the hall, walking the few meters until he gets to Herm’s door. And then he knocks. 

He’s really expecting nothing to happen, or maybe to hear Hermann shout _go away _, but Hermann opens the door almost immediately. He stands in the doorway, surveying Newt calmly, looking utterly unsurprised to see him there. The two stare at each other for a moment, Newt unsure of what to say, and then Herm sighs and steps out of the way, saying, “Well, come in then.”__

__It’s clear Hermann wasn’t sleeping yet. He isn’t wearing his work clothes - those stupid sweater vests that look better on him than they have any right too - instead wearing an old baggy t-shirt with an unfamiliar logo of a blue phone box; but his bed is perfectly made, his hair still neat, and he has a small laptop humming quietly on his organized desk._ _

__Newt has never been in his room before, which suddenly seems unlikely when you consider how long they’ve known each other. The room is as small as Newt’s, but it is of course far neater. It’s quite Spartan, the walls bare (unlike Newt’s which are strewn with posters of kaiju and Jaegers and articles and research and basically all sorts of random shit), and the only furniture is the desk, a chair, a dresser, and a dark blue rug on the cold floor. And the bed._ _

__He realizes that Hermann, who has crossed over the room to sit down in the chair before the desk, is looking at him expectantly._ _

__“I couldn’t sleep,” Newt explains lamely. He doesn’t have a better explanation than this. Honestly, why _did _he come here?___ _

____“Yes, I did figure that out,” Hermann mutters in typical, dry British fashion._ _ _ _

____Newt can’t think of what else to say - which is rare for him - and they stare at each other silently._ _ _ _

____Herm is the first to give, sighing softly and looking away. “Ok, sit down,” he says, gesturing at his bed. Newt crosses to it, sitting on the edge with obvious caution. Herm rolls his eyes, but less aggressively than he normally does._ _ _ _

____“I find that listening to music helps sometimes,” he offers, turning to his computer and flicking on a program. Soft classical music fills the room._ _ _ _

____“Beethoven,” Newt says, nodding thoughtfully. “Nice. Cliché, but nice.”_ _ _ _

____“Good lord, I know you’re musical Newt, now shut up and go to sleep,” Hermann snaps, and Newt grins. Then he frowns._ _ _ _

____“Go to sleep? Here? In your bed?”_ _ _ _

____If Herm rolls his eyes any more they’re gonna fall out of his head. “No, in the bottom of the ocean.”_ _ _ _

____Newt finds himself staring at Hermann. Despite the heavy sarcasm and insults, this is kinda out of character for the famously cold and distant scientist. “Uh….what are you gonna do?” he asks, eyeing him up suspiciously._ _ _ _

____“I’m going to take a shower. You’re going to sleep. Now, _shut up and go to sleep _.” And, true to his words, Hermann grabs sweat pants and a T-shirt out of the dresser before disappearing into the tiny attached bathroom, refusing to meet Newt’s eyes the whole way there.___ _ _ _

______“What the fuck…” Newt mutters, watching the closed door. Herm does not, despite his expectations, burst out of the door with a chainsaw and reveal himself to be a cleverly disguised robot before psycho murdering Newt. Instead, Newt can hear the sound of running water. He frowns, then shrugs, clicks of the lights, and climbs into the bed. He takes wicked delight in disturbing the sheets folded with military precision._ _ _ _ _ _

______It’s not easy to sleep when you expect your dreams to be filled with giant, awesome (but also terrifying), monsters that want to eat you. Still, Newt is on the edge of unconsciousness when he hears the bathroom door open. He is awake enough to hear Hermann growl “Move _over _,” then shove at him and climb into the bed. With him.___ _ _ _ _ _

________He is suddenly quite awake again._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Dude, what he fuck are you doing?” he hisses, trying to see Herm’s expression. It’s not easy in the dim light, especially without his glasses, but it’s a fair guess that Herm is scowling at him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“There’s only one bed, I’m tired of having nightmares too, and if you tell anyone about this I will _murder _you,” Hermann whispers fiercely, then buries his face in the pillow and refuses to look at him or acknowledge any of the things Newt says.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________It’s not exactly easy to fall back asleep after this._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________But once he does, he doesn’t wake up until ten the next morning, to an empty bed and the sound of someone moving in the bathroom._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


	4. Promises in his Mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's not a permanent fix. But it does make things better.

They don’t talk about it the next day. Newt can’t decide if they’re pretending it didn't happen or if they’re just refusing to acknowledge it or if Herm is regretting it or what, but he sure feels a hell of a lot better. 

He tells himself it’s just a weird fluke thingy that happened and stays in his own room that night and wakes up at three in the morning and is unable to fall asleep again. And one night of sleeping well isn't really enough to make up for weeks of shitty sleep, and the next day is probably the worst one of all, because now he can at least sort of remember what it feels like to sleep well. He and Hermann still don’t say a word about it.

But when Herm shows up at his door that night, he is not surprised and is, in fact, quite relieved. And after that it’s habit, and they spend the next week wordlessly showing up at each other’s doors. 

It’s not like it fixes everything, like abracadabra-cuddle-with-Hermann-bad-dreams-gone! The dreams are still there. He has a few nice nights, like the first one, where he wakes up the next day with no memories of any dreams at all. Mostly he still has the nightmares, but they seem weaker, less terrifying - at least not bad enough to wake him up - and he sleeps the night through. And once in a while he still wakes up screaming. 

But even then it’s still better.

Because before, when the dreams would slam him into shaking consciousness, that would usually be that for the night. No more sleep. And even when he could fall back asleep, it would be hours. Newt has become convinced that one of the most frustrating feelings in the world is trying and failing to sleep. And sometimes, when he would finally fall back asleep again, the dream would be waiting. 

But now, when he wakes up, Hermann is there. 

After all, if you’re sleeping in the same bed as someone, and you jerk up screaming, the other person is bound to wake up too. And he kinda expected Herm to bitch him out or something, but he is unexpectedly, weirdly nice. He just kind of…talks. About nothing much. The first time it happens, Newt is sitting there panting, his heart racing, when Herm suddenly says, “Did I ever tell you about the only time I ever got a detention in school?”

Newt looks at him, baffled and not really wanting any sort of lesson or whatever, and starts to say something - he wasn’t sure what - but Herm continues without pausing, his voice calm, his eyes closed, face expressionless in the dim light spilling from the light left on in the bathroom (“Do you have any idea how hard it is to go staggering around in the dark when you already have a fucked up knee, Newt? When you do, then you can turn off that light.”)

“I was in an advanced mathematics class, and it was still way too easy for me. The teacher assigned an equation that was intentionally much too hard for us, and said that whoever solved it would get extra points. I spent the whole night working on it. I was so proud when I got it. I showed up the next day, and I was the only person that had even gotten an answer, and I was even smugger. And then, the teacher checked it, and told me I was wrong!”

“Herm-“

“I was, needless to say, rather angry. And certain I was right. I spent the whole weekend checking my work, and I kept coming up with the same answer, over and over, which was not the answer the teacher came up with. And finally, at three in the morning Sunday night, I figured out what was wrong.”

“…what was it?” Newt asks, his voice soft, as he lies back down.

“The teacher wrote the equation down wrong.”

“Oh my god.”

Hermann snickers. “Oh god, I was a little shit about it. I showed up in my maths class the next day, and I was terribly smug, and told the teacher. And she refused to admit it! She kept insisting she was wrong! I got…a bit out of line. But I was right! I had the right answer for the equation she had written! Eventually she became quite incensed, and the administrators got involved, and they called my poor father…he was so confused. I had never got in trouble at school before! And they wanted me to apologize.”

“Oh god. Bet that didn’t go well.”

“No, I was quite outraged. They had to transfer me into another class. My dad didn't even know what to do with me.”

Newton finds himself laughing. “I feel bad for your teachers and parents. If you’re bad now, you must have been even worse as a teenager.”

“I was rather…precocious. But this happened when I was only about twelve. I was in…let’s see, I think the American equivalent is ninth grade.”

“Pssh, you were already twelve as a freshman? I was practically graduated by that age,” Newt snorts scornfully.

Herm kicks at his ankles. “Yes, yes, I know, Mr. Second-youngest-ever-admitted-to-MIT.”

“You’re just jealous.”

“Why would I be jealous of _second _place?”__

__Newt gasps in mock outrage. “How _dare _you!” he exclaims.___ _

____Herm snickers again. “Shut up and go to sleep,” he says sternly, rolling over and burying his face in his pillow. Newt can’t understand how he sleeps like that. Shouldn't he suffocate?_ _ _ _

____And then somehow Newt is asleep, and it hasn’t even been an hour, and he sleeps the rest of the night through._ _ _ _

____The second time it happens, Hermann lays back in bed and says sleepily, “Tell me about your stupid band.”_ _ _ _

____He hadn't even thought Herm remembered he was in a band when he was younger._ _ _ _

____So he lies there and speaks dreamily about his band for a while and can’t even remember when the talking turns into a dream of playing with his band in a Massachusetts bar and ok there are kaiju in the audience but it isn’t that scary, it’s just sort of cool that the kaiju are into his music. Although he is a little worried that the kaiju will eat them if they play badly, but the kaiju seem to dig them so it’s ok._ _ _ _

____By the third time it happens, this whole thing has settled into a sort of routine. It’s been more than a week, and Newt is becoming frustrated with himself._ _ _ _

____“I just feel kinda pathetic,” he admits to Hermann._ _ _ _

____“Why?” Herm says flatly. “You put your brain in a scientific blender with a terrifying, deadly, alien _monster _, I really do think that nightmares is getting off lightly. And besides, I think it’s getting better.”___ _ _ _

______“Ok, yeah, but it must be kinda…”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Kinda what?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Well, annoying. To you. Getting woken up all the time…”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Herm sighs. “It’s fine. It really is.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Yeah, but…” Newt balls his hands into a fist, then just admits what has been really bugging him. “Dude, how come it’s just me? I mean, I know you’ve been having nightmares too, but you don’t wake up screaming like me! It’s pathetic…am I just, I dunno, weaker than you? Or, I guess, maybe cuz I drifted twice and you-“_ _ _ _ _ _

______“I just don’t scream.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“-what?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“It’s not just you, Newt. I…they wake me up too. But I don’t scream like you…so you don’t wake up. So that’s why it seems like it’s just you.” Herm says the words fast and emotionless, like he doesn’t want to admit this. They’re in Newt’s room tonight, so it’s pitch black, but Newt finds himself squinting at where he thinks Herm’s face is anyways._ _ _ _ _ _

______He starts to say his name, and his voice comes out way gentler, and, well, worried, than he means for it to, and Hermann says, his voice fast and sharp, “ _Don’t _.”_ _ _ _ _ _ __

________Newt frowns, then goes on anyway, “You can at least wake me up-“_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Shut up and go to sleep, Geiszler,” Hermann says shortly, and Newt can feel Herm turning away from him. Newt scowls even harder, glaring at the darkness. It’s frustrating. He knows that Hermann hates being pitied, but it’s just - not fair. How come he gets to comfort Newt, and then not let Newt do it back? Newt vows that the next time Hermann wakes up he will too. He has no idea how to actually carry this out, but he still promises to in his mind._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________It’s harder than it has been before to fall asleep this night, when he can feel Hermann balled up tensely beside him, not touching, and can tell from his breathing that he isn’t asleep either._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


	5. The Thought of Him Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hermann is the most stubbornest person Newt has ever met. Yes, he knows that is not a word.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is kinda short because the next chapter is really long and dramatic. sorry about that. possibly I might add the next chapter later tonight instead of tomorrow, I haven't decided yet.

The tension lasts throughout the whole next day, both of them tired and irritable and still not talking about it. Hermann is in and out of the lab all day, debriefing officials and shit, and Newt finds himself sulking, alone in the lab with his preserved kaiju organs. He knows it’s still useful to study the bits he has, that it could have enormous medical ramifications and whatever, that he will probably be able to work with kaiju bits for the rest of his life. He _is _excited by that prospect; he may be more afraid of the kaiju now than he was before the whole Hong Kong thing, but he still thinks they are motherfucking awesome. But, right now, he is having a hard time mustering up any enthusiasm for his work.__

__He goes back to his room early that night, and he finds himself wondering if he should go to Hermann’s room or not. They mostly alternate rooms, and they were in his last night, so he should go to Hermann’s, but…it just feels all unsettled and wrong after last night. “Dammit, Hermann…” he mutters. But then he thinks of Herm waking up scared from a dream, and the thought of him being alone is - it’s all wrong. And in another moment of weird knowledge he knows that despite Herm’s standoffish-ness, he doesn’t really want to be alone. So he says “fuck it,” grabs his pillow, and shows up at Hermann’s door._ _

__And of course stupid fucking Hermann acts like nothing has happened, just opens the door, glances at him, and walks back into his room without a word._ _

__Newt stands in the doorway glaring at him. “You know, when I was growing up, my mom used to say I was the most stubbornest person she had ever met.”_ _

__“That’s not a w-“_ _

__“She didn’t have the best English, ok. That’s not the point. The point is, I always thought she was right.”_ _

__Hermann sighs. “Let me guess- you always thought she was right, until you met me?”_ _

__Newt crosses the room, throwing himself down on the bed. “Gee, I guess you really are a genius.”_ _

__“You haven’t seen shit yet, Geiszler,” Hermann mutters, and Newt unexpectedly bursts out laughing._ _

__“Dude, I can’t believe you just said that. _So _lame.”___ _

____Hermann studiously ignores him, so of course Newt lies on the bed and stares at him obnoxiously for a while. They’ve played this game before though, and Herm has gotten pretty amazing at ignoring him. Eventually Newt gives up and makes a show of climbing under the sheets. When he falls asleep Herm is still clicking away on his laptop._ _ _ _


	6. The End of the World

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hermann dreams.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Previous chapters were more from Newton's perspective, and this is more focused on Hermann.

_The end of the world comes early for Hermann Gottlieb. For everyone else it comes when the last two Jaegers are lost, and his calculations are wrong, and the Breach doesn’t close. It comes when double and triple and then quadruple events - just like he said - come pouring through the Breach, more than one event a day, and ravage unchecked across the world, ripping through the defensive walls in a matter of seconds._

_But for Hermann it comes even before the first double event, it comes when he walks into the lab one morning when there was still supposed to be hope, and Newton is crumpled so very still on the floor. He doesn’t remember moving, but suddenly he is kneeling by Newt’s side, checking his pulse with shaking hands. There is nothing, and Newt isn’t breathing, and even as Hermann rips off the stupid fucking thing on his head and lays him out on the floor and attempts to breathe for him, attempts to force his heart to beat, he knows it’s too late. Newt’s skin is already cold. His body is already becoming stiff._

no this didn’t happen

 _Hermann can hear his voice saying_ Newt _over and over again or maybe he is saying_ no _, he can’t tell and he can’t seem to stop. He is begging helplessly, but it doesn’t do anything because Newt is definitely totally dead. And Hermann’s world stops._

no it wasn’t he wasn’t

_And the Breach doesn’t close, and the kaiju keep coming, and the world ends for everyone else, and it’s his fault it’s all his fault, but he can’t really seem to care. The Shatterdome, pointless without any Jaegers, empties as everyone flees, but Hermann doesn’t see the point. There’s nowhere to go._

_And he stands alone in the empty lab and listens as a recording of Newt’s voice taunts him mischievously “or I'm dead, and you need to know that it's you who drove me to this, and it's all your fault. In which case...ha! I won. kind of.” And Hermann screams “YOU FUCKING BASTARD” and slams his hand into a wall and it bleeds and hurts and doesn’t really matter. He can hear the sound of kaiju coming closer, crashing through the Shatterdome. He doesn’t bother trying to run. There isn’t anywhere to run._

it didn’t happen like this not like this

_The world ended, several days ago, or is it weeks now? Only the rest of the world seems to be a bit slow in catching up._

_The wall on Newt’s side of the lab is suddenly torn away, and the enormous face of a kaiju peers in. And it’s not like Hermann isn’t scared, he is, he is fucking terrified, but the world is already over and it’s his fault and there’s nothing to do about it, so he just stares the kaiju in the face, again, and waits for the end of the world to catch up with him._

NO-

Hermann wakes up with a gasp. It’s dark and he is disoriented but already he is saying to himself _just a dream just a dream just-_

His vision is blurry, and it takes him a moment to realize that there are tears clogging his eyes. He takes a deep dragging breath and pulls his hands across his cheeks. Only one or two tears have actually fallen. He wants to stand up, wash the salt out of his eyes, but there is something heavy pressing on his body. 

_Newt.  
Right, that’s right. Newt is here. Right here, see, lying on top of you, can’t be dead, no apocalypse, you stopped the kaiju, it’s ok now-_

For the last several days, he has woken up to find Newt sprawled across him. No matter how they fall asleep, Newt always ends up flung across him. Sometimes it’s embarrassing to wake up to, like on that first day when he woke up to find Newt’s face an inch from his own, but when he has dreams like this it’s - it’s nice. Newt can’t be dead if he’s right there.

Only now suddenly Newt is stirring, and he hears a sleepy voice murmur, “Herm?”

And he hates that stupid nickname even more than he hates his full name, but somehow right now it’s comforting, it’s soft and affectionate and comforting.

Hermann hates to be comforted.

“Go back to sleep,” he whispers, but goddammit his voice betrays him and comes out shaky and weak and he hates that, he hates to seem weak. And Newt notices, of course, he could fail to notice a fucking atomic bomb when he’s working but dammit of course he notices this.

“Hermann? Are you ok?” Newt says, his voice stronger, more awake, and he’s sitting up, squinting, and suddenly Hermann regrets leaving the bathroom light on, and prays that Newt is blind enough without his glasses to not notice Herm’s expression, his _eyes_.

“It was just a dream,” and it’s so humiliating the way his voice catches when he says “dream.” His eyes sting even more ferociously and he presses the palm of his hands into his eyes and hates being this weak. It’s different somehow, it’s different from when Newt wakes up scared; he doesn’t know why it is that it doesn’t seem weak when it’s Newt, but seems so unbearably pathetic when it’s him. 

“Do you…wanna…talk about it?” Newt says hesitantly.

Hermann just snorts, which Newt seems to take for the no it is. Newt falls silent and Herm is hoping he will just go back to sleep and leave him alone, but after a moment’s pause he speaks up again, in a forcedly playful voice.

“Bet you’re regretting drifting with me now.”

Hermann pulls his hands away from his eyes, startled. He looks at Newt, which is a mistake, because he can see Newt see the tears on his face. But this is important.

“No,” he insists, and the word comes out more forceful than he means for it to. He attempts to make his voice gentler, but instead it comes out shaky. “No, I don’t regret it.”

He can see Newt look surprised - at the words? Or how insistently he said them? - and he doesn’t understand how Newt can be startled. He doesn’t understand him. Except for when he does, far too well. 

He’s too tired for this, too worn out, too overwhelmed by the lingering sadness and fear of the dream, and he presses his hands over his eyes again, not wanting to look at Newt’s face. He can feel the wetness against his palms. He hates crying.

He’s hoping that will be that and Newt will drop it, but after another pause, the other man starts up again. 

“So…why did you do it? I mean, it was…kinda out of character for you…I would have bet solid money you would never do something like that. Actually…I actually remember thinking before I did it the first time that you wouldn’t ever do that sort of thing...”

Herm aggressively wants to not talk about this, so he stays silent. But…he can sort of feel Newt staring at him, and he can tell from the stillness of the bed that Newt is still sitting up, unmoving. And…maybe Newt really doesn’t get it. He is awfully dense, after all…maybe he really is this thick. Maybe he doesn’t know. 

So abruptly Hermann starts speaking, still not moving his hands away from his eyes. “Do you have any idea how - _terrifying_ \- it was?”

“The drift?” Newt asks, and he can hear in his voice him _not getting it_.

Herm sighs impatiently. 

“No. Well, yes, that was terrifying too, but not that. What I mean is - that first time you drifted. I’m the one that found you, you know. You were out of it, maybe you don’t remember, but it was me. And, walking into that lab, and _seeing_ you - I truly believed that you were-“ and oh god his voice cracks and for a moment he can’t speak, and he doesn’t know if he is remembering what really happened that day or the dreams he has had over and over since then. 

He takes a deep shaking breath. Newt starts to say, “Hermann-“ the concern evident in his voice, and that somehow hurts. So Hermann keeps talking, to drown it out, trying to draw on anger instead of the lingering grief.

“I was sure you had gone and _killed_ yourself doing some daft experiment, and then I realized you attempted to drift using _fucking trash_ , and even when I realized you were still alive I was fully expecting to discover that you had melted your brain and were going to _die_ in another five seconds. And I couldn’t do anything! And if you had died it would be _my fault_. And then five minutes later you’re set to go do it again, and if it was a miracle you had survived the first time, well surely the second time would-“

Newt interrupts him, guilt and horror coloring his voice. “Hermann, is this about…what I said in that - that stupid fucking recording? I was just- I shouldn’t have ever played that to you! I’m just an idiot, and I didn’t mean it, and it wouldn’t really have been your fault!” 

Hermann sits up abruptly, moving his hands from his face so he can glare at Newt through the tears that are still obstinately clouding his eyes. “No, it would have been! If you were going to do something like that, you should have had someone there! In case it went wrong! _I_ should have been there! But- of course you couldn’t ask me, I was being such a stubborn ass about it, insisting it wouldn’t work, of course you couldn’t ask me, but you should have been able to ask me and I should have been there, and then if it went wrong I might have been able to help you! But if it _had_ gone wrong, no one would have been able to help you and you would have died and _that would have been my fault!_ So, so, of course I _had_ to do it with you the second time! Once was bad enough! I, I wouldn’t let you try and melt your brain on a kaiju again, I wouldn’t let you die and have it be my fault and leave me all alone-“ He stops abruptly, breathing raggedly. He hadn’t meant to say all that. 

Newt stares at him, his face both awed and shamed. Fucking idiot, he really didn’t get it. “Why, Hermann,” he says weakly, “I didn’t know you cared.”

All the breath catches in Herm’s throat, and he finds himself staring back, disbelieving. And something gives inside him. “Fuck this,” he mutters furiously, and reaches out one hand, against the back of Newt’s head, twining in his sleep tangled hair, pulling Newt’s face to his, lips pressing together. He kisses Newt aggressively, teeth clicking together for a moment, lips parting, his hands holding his face, then pulls away, feeling the heat on his face.

“Oh,” Newt says faintly. 

“I- I- care. About you. A- a lot. For a while. Um. And it scared me when you almost died. And um, I, I don’t-“ This is not going well. This is not coming out right. This was probably a really bad idea. _Shit_. “I’ve just been wanting to do that for a while. But, I thought, with the end of the world and all, probably best to wait, but now I’m - tired of waiting. But I really lo- uhhhhm. Care about you.”

“Oh.”

 _SHIT_.

He can’t look Newt in the face. “Is that- if it’s- if it’s bad, that is, I, I understand.” See, this is what bravery gets you, Newt can taunt him all he likes about being a wimp, about not taking chances, but when the odds are against you-

The expression on Newt’s face stops Hermann’s thoughts dead.


	7. Finally

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With much stammering, the two finally admit their true feelings.

Hermann kisses him, and Newt’s brain stops thinking for a moment. Which is unusual, really; normally his brain is buzzing wildly, disorganized thoughts all over the place, totally different from the neat, compartmentalized mind he glimpsed when drifting with Hermann. And maybe that’s how he really didn’t see this, maybe Herm had all this, these thoughts and fears and feelings and _kisses_ , shoved into a little corner of his mind, and that’s how Newt really didn’t see this coming. 

As Hermann stammers out an explanation, his face turning increasingly red and unhappy, Newt’s thoughts grind back into motion. He searches for the right words, for something other than “oh.” Then he decides words and thoughts are stupid. So he just grabs Hermann by his bony shoulders and kisses him.

He pushes hard on Hermann’s shoulders, shoving him back down on the bed, swinging his legs over so he is straddling Hermann, kneeling over him, his face bent down over Hermann’s. Herm goes stiff with shock for a moment, then wraps his arms around Newt’s neck and back, responding enthusiastically. 

Newt pulls away for a moment, panting slightly, staring down at Hermann below him. In the faint light, he can see the flush on Hermann’s cheeks, his eyes wide, pupils dilated, lips still slightly parted. And it strikes him, somehow, that this is _Hermann_. Hermann Gottlieb, stuck up, upright, rule following, cold, sarcastic, critical, snappish, Hermann Gottlieb. 

He’s in bed kissing Hermann Gottlieb.

_Finally._

Hermann is breathing unevenly, and the look of surprise and confusion on his face is rare and enjoyable. Herm takes a deep breath and says quietly, “Oh.” 

Newt can’t help but laugh.

“Yeah, _oh_.” 

He shifts his weight and lets himself drop down so that he is laying sprawled half-on Hermann, careful to not put any weight on Hermann’s bad leg. He twists his head to look into Hermann’s face, which is still awed. Newt can feel himself smiling goofily, but he doesn’t particularly mind. 

Herm, clearly struggling for composure, hmphs at him and mumbles, “Is that all you have to say for yourself?”

Newt laughs happily. He can't help it. He feels so utterly happy. “Ok, if it makes you feel any better, how about this…I’ve, uh, ‘cared’ about you, as you said so eloquently, for, I dunno, like at least five years now. I mean, I’ve been holding that kiss back for, like, ages now.” 

He is surprised to see a sudden scowl appear on Herm’s face. “Why?” Herm demands.

“Uh…huh?” 

“Why have _you_ been holding back? _You_ are the reckless one, you’re always doing whatever dumb shit you want, so why is _this_ the thing you control yourself on? I’m the cowardly one, so that’s why I didn’t do anything, but you…” Herm trails off, looking unhappy suddenly. “You aren’t just doing this because of the, the neural drifting, or, or all the things I said, are you? Because I really mean this, so don’t-“

Newt decides that the best way to make him stop talking is to probably kiss him. So he does that, quite thoroughly. It’s extremely effective, which Newt thinks is an important thing to remember. He waits until he is sure Hermann is flustered enough to shut up, then pulls away, somewhat reluctantly. It takes him a moment himself to gather his thoughts. 

“Ok. Dude. First off. Just cuz you’re not all impulsive like me doesn’t make you a coward. Secondly, I don’t do dumb shit. I do _awesome_ shit. C. No, wait. Third. Third is, I’m not just randomly doing this. I really mean it too. Like, I want to, you know, not just make out and shit - although I do totally wanna do that - but actually be…you know. Together. Cuz, even though you annoy the hell out of me, you are like, my best friend. And I…you know. Love you. Or whatever.”

There is a moment of terrifying silence where Newt cannot believe the words that just came out of his mouth. Did he just say _love_? He did, right? Judging from the expression on Hermann’s face, he definitely did. He had not entirely meant to say that. Not that it isn’t true. It is. It has been, for a while. He has known that. Like, duh, of course he loves Hermann. But before he always figured it was platonic. Of course, he would have been willing to fuck Hermann. And spend the rest of his life with him. Grow old together and all. Ok, he sees now how that isn’t platonic. 

_Fuck, I love Hermann._

Hermann’s face has turned so scarlet that Newt worries about heart attacks. Herm opens and closes his mouth several times, looking anywhere but at Newt’s face, and Newt has a sudden rush of panic. Maybe this, maybe _love_ isn’t what Hermann meant. And suddenly it’s so scary. Just a few minutes ago, the thought of not being with Herm would have been fine. Well, maybe not fine, a bit sad, kinda lonely, but not like this. It wouldn’t have hurt so badly to think that Herm doesn’t love him back. 

But then Herm, whispers, very quietly, “I love you too.”


	8. These Sorts of Things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kissing.

_I love you too._

The words ring and sing in Newt’s ears and he knows he must be smiling like a moron, but he really could not care less. Hermann loves him, he loves Hermann, and nothing else could possibly matter at this point.

He says, “Good,” and then presses his lips to Hermann’s. 

And this time when they kiss, it’s not desperate and passionate. It’s soft and sweet and all that cliché romance novel shit, it’s a kiss that knows it doesn’t have to be urgent, because now they can do this whenever they want. This is how it will be from now on. They can make-out like hormonal teenagers later, for the rest of their lives, and right now it’s the first time they have said their feelings, and so they can just…take their time. 

The kiss ends and they’re both smiling, and Newt is slightly blown away by how cute Hermann is. Cute. Hermann. He is so fucking cute and how did Newt never notice how cute he is before? Sure, Herm doesn’t smile that often, but still, he should have noticed. 

“I never saw you flirt with anyone before,” Newt remarks abruptly. Herm’s smile fades away to be replaced with a look of confusion. 

“What?” Herm says, puzzled.

“Uh, that was gonna be the fourth point. To, you know, to answer your question.” When Hermann’s look of confusion doesn’t clear, Newt hastily adds, “Of why I didn’t do anything. To you. With you. About you? Whatever.” 

Herm looks as if he can’t quite remember what the actual question was, or maybe he just doesn’t understand the answer. “I don’t quite follow…”

“Um, ok, well, I never saw you flirting with anyone, and I tried flirting with you and you didn’t respond, so I thought you were, you know, not into that. Like, not just with me, but just in general…”

Hermann huffs impatiently. “I thought you were an idiot when I first met you! I didn’t even realize that’s what you were doing! And of course I didn’t flirt with anyone when I was working, that would hardly be professional.” 

“Yeah, yeah, but you were all, intense and stuff! Totally focused on, on, on _science_! I thought you were one of those, mind over matter, no bodily distractions, chaste, scientist types! Like, like Newton! Not me. Haha, not me _at all_.” 

Hermann is staring at him with narrowed eyes, and Newt worries that this explanation is not helping and is possibly very confusing, but forges on anyway. 

“Um, that is, I mean Isaac Newton. He was all abstinent because he was focused on science and shit. I figured you were like that! And I didn’t want to be that jerk that flirts with someone that’s clearly not interested, so I never made a move, I was fine with friendship, cuz I liked being your friend and ok I should stop talking.” He stops abruptly, looking uneasily at Herm, who is still simply staring at him.

And then Herm starts laughing. 

“You are such an idiot!” he says, and Newt is relieved to hear how affectionate the words are. 

“So…I was…just totally wrong?” Newt asks cautiously. 

“Yes,” Hermann says firmly. “Well. Maybe not totally?”

The panic must be clear on Newt’s face, because Hermann starts laughing again, and hurries to assure him, “I simply mean that my work was more important to me than sex or relationships. But that doesn’t mean I’m not interested in those things!”

“Oh,” Newt breathes. “That’s…that’s good. I think.” 

The expression on Herm’s face becomes rather speculative. “Yes, I think it is rather good. You may have noticed that recently, I have…less work. And it’s certainly less important than before. I think I will be able to focus on… _other_ things now.” 

Newt begins to smile. “Oh is that so? What sort of things might those be?” he inquires playfully. Hermann responds by kissing him aggressively. 

“Those sorts of things,” he states in a solemn voice, which is slightly ruined by his hard breathing.

Newt nods and grins and attempts to matches Hermann’s fake seriousness, but instead giggles. “I like those sorts of things.” 

Hermann pauses, the expression on his face fading into one that Newt doesn’t recognize, one that’s oddly gentle and shy. “I- I really do. Love you. I didn’t realize it until recently, but I think I have for a long time. So- I’m glad.”

And Newt doesn’t blush. Like, ever. But he can feel his face getting all hot, and thinks he must be blushing now. “Where- where did all this- _cuteness_ come from?” he stammers. “If you acted this cute earlier, there’s no way I’d have been able to hold back before.”

Hermann looks utterly appalled. “Cute? I am _not_ \- I am not cute!”

“Aw, you’re being even cuter now!” Newt teases.

“S-shut up! You- Just go back to sleep, idiot!”

“Omg, you’re getting all red, that’s soo cute!”

“Shut up and go to sleep!” Hermann snaps, turning resolutely away. Newt laughs. 

“Ok, ok, but you are absolutely not allowed to wake up tomorrow and pretend this didn’t happen, ok? This happened. This is a thing. Tomorrow we’re gonna talk about it more and, like, make-out and stuff.”

There’s no sound or movement from Herm, and Newt can tell he’s pretending to be asleep. Newt sighs, but he’s smiling. And then unexpectedly, he hears Hermann mutter, “Same to you.” 

Newt giggles again. “Dude, there is no way I’m letting this go. You said you _love_ me. I’m sure as hell not letting you forget that.” 

“…shut up.”

“I love you Hermann.” 

“Go to sleep, idiot.”


	9. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The End.

The Breach stays closed. No more kaiju come through. The world does not end. 

It’s been years since either has lived, not in a military or scientific facility, but a proper home. They argue enthusiastically about how to decorate their home and where they should move. Neither even questions whether they will be living together. Of course they will.

They move to Germany for a while, and they live in England for a year, and then settle down in America, which Hermann professes to hate, and yet refuses to move anymore. 

Newt meets Hermann’s father, which goes awfully, because Hermann’s father has become rather sentimental as he ages, and he instantly loves Newt, and cries out of happiness that Hermann has found someone, and keeps hugging them both, and Hermann is terribly embarrassed. 

Hermann meets Newt’s parents, which goes awfully, because Newt’s mother smiles benevolently while muttering judgmental comments in German, and Newt hisses angrily that _Hermann speaks German, mother, I told you this_ and Newt’s father shows up late and then his parents start fighting and Newt joins in and it devolves into a shouting match and Hermann is again terribly embarrassed. 

Newt proposes one day and Hermann turns red and is unable to say anything coherent for at least an hour, but even though he always insists that marriage is a ridiculous and outdated formality, he still takes the ring and wears it. They get married and Hermann’s father cries and so does Raleigh Beckett (at the reception, an embarrassed Mako Mori tells an embarrassed Hermann that Raleigh cries at every wedding he goes to) and Newt’s parents don’t fight (but they do glare at each other silently the whole reception).

Newt decides to write a book about drifting with the kaiju, and Hermann thinks he’s telling it all wrong, so he insists on helping. The book is more successful than either predicted, and they become mildly famous for a time. Newt enjoys this immensely. Hermann does not. 

Hermann guest lectures at colleges, and terrifies and impresses his students in equal measure. Newt guest lectures, and leaves the students feeling as if they have learned something, but they aren’t quite sure what. 

They argue over whether to get a dog or a cat, and get a turtle instead. Newt names her Yamarashi, but Hermann calls her Mary. It’s a turtle, so it doesn’t particularly respond to either name. Newt tries to take up gardening, but he’s awful at it, and tends to forget to weed or water it for days at a time. They get some nice flowers though. Hermann kindly doesn’t mention that they are wildflowers, essentially weeds. On nice days they sit outside in the sun and read and bicker amiably over nothing at all. 

The world does not end.


End file.
